Mindfulness meditation: It’s all the rage.

If you’ve been anywhere, talked to anyone or visited any social media site, you’ve likely heard about some of the positive effects of mindfulness meditation — how it can help with a wide variety of problems like depression, stress, insomnia, high blood pressure, male-pattern baldness, persistent cases of “The Mondays,” moral outrage, fatigue and the eventual heat death of the universe.

But where to start?

If you’re anything like me, which is to say, an extremely anxious person who needs guidance, you might benefit from this handy five-step meditation guide, which will shepherd you through all the stages of the magical process. Let’s get started.

Find a comfortable position

In the background, put on meditation music or ambient nature videos, something you might hear as you played with a rain stick in The Nature Company in 1993. Lie or sit down in a relaxing posture. Gently close your eyes. OK, now you’re asleep. Next time, try sitting. You can buy a meditation cushion that allows you to meditate the same way that some Zen Buddhists do.

Bring awareness to your breath

There is your breath. Notice it, in all of its breathiness. Breathe in consciously, then out consciously. Think about how you’re breathing, the gentle in and out of a soft ocean tide. Start to worry that, in contrast to a soft ocean tide, the pace of your breathing may be too fast. Slow your breathing down.

Observe your thoughts

The mind is like a chattering monkey, full of thoughts, feelings and sensations. Do not judge these thoughts but merely watch them as they enter your consciousness.

Gently redirect your attention

When your mind wanders, return your attention to your breathing.

Continue for increasing lengths of time

Start with short meditation sessions of just a few minutes long. No, it’s not weird that you only meditated for three minutes. It’s great! You can gradually increase the duration. Or not. Whatever. I mean, I meditate kneeling for 20 minutes without moving, but not everyone is as mentally strong as I am. It just sort of comes natural for me.

As you see, there’s no right or wrong way to meditate. You will feel like there’s a right and a wrong way, and that you’re definitely doing it the wrong way, but you will be wrong about that, too.

Mindfulness meditation should be your judgement-free zone. Don’t feel bad about not being able to simply bring attention to your breathing, which is something that sounds phenomenally easy. Do not judge yourself, especially if you do not notice any miraculous fading away of all your tension and stress.

I mean, you’re probably doing it wrong anyway.

But now you can lord over everyone you know the fact that you meditate, and there’s something pretty satisfying about that, too.