Cory Christofferson

Hamar

Go get your vaccines, start capturing carbon, support your farmers, and consume all the high fructose corn syrup and sugar you can stomach. Trust the rat-tested drugs — they might work, but if they don’t, well, too bad. Don’t worry, though. The system has your back! (And by that, I mean you can’t sue us. Lol.) Only then can you earn the title of a true American.

We are the scientists. You don’t know us, but we have fancy degrees and stylish lab coats, so clearly, you should listen to us. And now, boys and girls, it’s time to capture carbon! Just think of all the money waiting to be made — especially for those first in line, conveniently close to the money-printing machine known as the Federal Reserve. (Cute name, right? Since it’s neither federal nor a reserve.) Whether it’s dollars, Bitcoin, or whatever we decide has value, the opportunity for wealth is limitless!

Ignore those so-called truth-telling scientists and conspiracy nuts who claim that carbon is the foundation of life and that more of it actually leads to a greener, more thriving Earth. One of these crazies even suggested that we’re currently at 230 parts per million and should aim for 400! Where does he get his information? Does he read or something?

Don’t fall for these charlatans. Trust the science.